potcobritainfandomcom-20200216-history
Talk:Haytham Dane O'Scarlett/@comment-25856474-20170719002926/@comment-25856474-20170721004856
I would like to also give a little moe feedback after reading it over once again. The sentence "Sure, your going to be going around town. Telling everyone what a big guy you are for killing the most notorious pirate. Your a hot-shot aren't yeh?" was honestly terrible. I think it should be re-worded, I'd love to do it myself but thats against the wiki's policy. Also "Aye.. It's about time for the Pirate's flag to end the taint of the seas. The seas must be tainted by the British! Freedom! Order! Justice! and Independence." does not make much sense considering the British have nothing to be free from and pirates arent stopping their independence. The only part you have right is "Order" and "Justice" so its half right. Heres a bit more :) : "Hmph, look at him. He's dead. he is rather... peaceful." nothing in the picture you posted signifies he looks "peaceful" more unhappy that he kinda got shot. "A dead Pirate a day keeps the criminals away." Cringed terribly. Not something they would say back in the 1700s. The wording in this story is very late 1900s to early 2000s. "Pack your things dear. Were headed for Jamaica." that escalated quickly. "Haytham cut Davy off grabbing his arm" I understand this has nothing to do with my actual character, but who stands directly near someones reaching distance while holding a gun to them? "Dear... you've killed a man!" Zero emotion. "You're going to give me all your gold. In that chest over there, eh? Or I'm going to kill you." This wouldnt sisgnifiy he was a pirate, this would signify he was a theif. Pirates normally attacked in bands and raided and sacked towns, not targeted one lonely store. This also reminds me a lot of John Scarfield from Dead Men Tell No Tales, like when he said to shansa the witch "Your going to read that wall for me, or you will die" which that line alone was a bit cringey since it escalated so quickly. (did love the movie though :D) "Your a poor captain, but a captain nonetheless." I can just hear Davy Jones in my head while I read that line. "My name be Davy Locksilver, you've heard of me im sure." It should be "My name is Davy Locksilver" or even "The names Captain Locksilver, I'm sure you'e heard much of my trevails over the years" the word "be" wouldnt even fit in a pirate talking mans sentence especially, how its used here. "Sure, your going to be going around town. Telling everyone what a big guy you are for killing the most notorious pirate" when someones dying, thats the least of the worries. "Do you expect me to be kissing your cheek?" It should be "Do you expect me to be caressing your cheek" considering I can see your attempting to steal a line from Haytham Kenway shortly before he died. Can someone please go to my bio/story and critique it and tell me where I can improve, I love hearing feedback :D But im sorry this is complete and utter garbage. Please reconsider editing what I stated above ^^^^^